Time Out! The Classic helps out Alberto Gonzales

There have been recent allegations made against one of our blog's most successful alumni, United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (The Thrillsville Classic junior sports column editor 1987-1991). When even the White House and GOP congressmen and congresswomen are betraying Gonzales out of fear of public scrutiny, we here at the Classic have decided to come out in her defense, public be damned.

• Alberto has NEVER been a man nor will she ever have male organs, and any attacks on her physical features are purely made out of jealousy for her full and voluptuous figure.
• Alberto does NOT have tattoos of noted racist Louis Farrakhan on her inner thighs.
• Alberto has only ONCE pushed a disabled war veteran down the front stoop of her Washington D.C. apartment building, and not repeatedly as some have claimed. (Ville note- And if she has...who's to say that the vet didn't deserve it? We'll wager that the vet is pedophile or arsonist or something and had it coming)
• Alberto DOES got a Dalmatian and CAN still get high.
• Alberto has NEVER poisoned an entire shipment of Wishbone Creamy Lime Cilantro. That shit's already poison; 160 calories in single serving?? Fuckers are trying to take us out with promise of being taken away by the most delicious sounding words ever put together: creamy, lime, and cilantro.
• Alberto DOES like torture...OK well that was never being argued against, sorry.
• Alberto HATES the KKK, she only wore the white robes because she was being "ironic".

We hope that this clarifies a few things and will help Alberto through these dark times. Alberto, the Classic supports you.