A Classic Analysis

The big news today? The new Harry Potter cover art has come out. Now, it is true, there are sites that have slightly more credentials to discuss the new artwork and what it might potentially mean. However, we here at the Classic have something other sites/blogs don't have, a complete misunderstanding of the books. We can personally vouch that we have never read the books. Instead we'll be coming from the perspective of the .004% of the American population that is only familiar with the Harry Potter series from the movie trailers we saw before other Warner Brothers films. And now, a detailed and important analysis of the new cover:

The title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

What does it mean? Obviously, J.K. Rowling (pronounced Railin) has lost her touch when it comes to twists in her books. She has already let us know that the book is going to involve Harry. A small tip to Ms. Rowling- (we're just going to assume she's not married and is one of those "career type" women) Alfred Hitchcock wowed audiences when he killed Janet Leigh in the first part of Psycho. So, there you go...that point sounded better in our collective heads.

The color of the sky: Orangey-Yellowy-Reddish

What does it mean? Harry goes to Mars. Any film buff will recall the truth of Arnold Schwarzenegger's classic 1990 film Total Recall: the color of the sky on Mars is red. Obviously Harry is going to do something on Mars. It seems as Rowling (pronounced Row-line) was influenced by both Total Recall AND the other classic space adventure Mission to Mars. Because both have Mars in them. And Mars has red skies...alright, you know this sounded better to us at the Classic last night.

The structure in the background: some kind of arena

What does it mean? Umm, oh crap, well we had down last night...oh YES, here it is, Harry probably pitches a few games for the Kansas City Royals. Wait. That doesn't make any sense. Why did the other writers tell me that was a good point? They're fucking sheep. On to the next point.

Harry's wardrobe: a brown robe and a necklace.

What does it mean? Harry gets out of the shower of the lockerroom of the Kansas City Royals when he suddenly hears a loud noise on the field of Kauffman Stadium. All that's next to him is a tshirt and a bathrobe so he throws it on before running out to the field. The necklace is a gift from fan favorite and long time first baseman Mike Sweeney because Harry changed uniform numbers when he was traded to KC from the Seattle Mariners in acknowledgement of Sweeney's achievements and accomplishments. Anyway, umm, well we had a lot of evidence that this was hinted in the first and third books but now we can't find it. Shit, this is getting weaker and weaker.

Harry's expression/pose: Determination while reaching toward the sky.

What does it mean? The stuff we wrote down from last night is awful, I refuse to try to explain how this reminded us of a baby penguin.

Anyway, take this for what it's worth. For other thoughts on the new Harry Potter book, we recommend reading the Classic's sister site, jkrowling (pronounced row-ma-lom-a-ding-dong).com.