How to be Popular

This is something I've written before, but it was never put anywhere. And fuck you for calling me out for recycling material in only my second post. Seriously, where do you get the nerve? Sorry, I forgot you were Mark Fucking Twain. Hey, how about this, turd eater, why don't you shut up and write your own blog?

Oh...


You do?

Hold on, I bet it's totally underwhelming...

Wow.

It's really good actually...

I like the structure.

And that picture of your cat wearing a devil costume is pretty hillarious.

I'm sorry, I take back what I said.

Anyway, here's my stuff:

How to Be Popular:
By Will

I’m probably the most popular person you will ever hear of. I know literally DOZENS of people, who all really like me, seriously. One question the youth of America, Canada, and some parts of Bulgaria generally like to ask me is “Will, how I can I achieve overwhelming popularity like you have?”

I’ve decided to divulge those details now to you, the unpopular public, which would be everybody but me and Oprah. If you follow these steps, you will be amazingly popular, and with that you will be able to get whatever you want, whether it is whole wheat rolls, or the complete Planet of Apes television series on DVD (yeah, it was a television show also, if you were popular, you’d know that). So, please, I beg you, follow these steps, and then I’ll allow you to hang out with me and the queen of day-time talk.

1. Always laugh at peoples’ jokes, even if you don’t get them, and even if they aren’t being told to you. One time I was at Yankee Candle buying myself a lilac-blossom scented pillar candle, and this 12 year old girl was telling a joke to her friend. I made sure to laugh really loud, and then I repeated the punch line. I could tell she appreciated it by how fast she walked out the store.
2. Always remind people how great you are. Another time I was at Yankee Candle, this time buying an apple martini cocktail candle. I heard this guy bragging to the cashier that he had just received a promotion at his job. So I butted in and started talking about how in the 7^th grade I got to shake hands with Hillary Clinton. I could tell how impressed they were by their stunned silence.
3. Always comparison shop. I almost bought myself some butter cream scented tea light candles at Yankee Candle for eight bucks. But then I went to Wicks ‘n’ Sticks and found apple strudel scented tea light candles for only 4 bucks! Hello, BARGAIN! Really popular people are also thrifty people. Another quick tip for the guys reading this, the ladies love guys who don’t spend a lot of money on gasoline, so think about getting your self some sweet roller blades instead of that gas guzzling Prius.
4. Always watch the television shows that get the highest ratings. Honestly, I’d rather watch The War at Home and American Dad (FOX!!! Woo!!), but it's on when that stupid Desperate Housewives is on, so I've missed half the season! But, nonetheless, I’m positive my ability to quote the latest episode of Desperate verbatim the next morning to everyone around me was appreciated.

So there you go, a fool-proof plan to being popular like me. Excuse me now, Oprah’s calling me, and she really hates it when I don’t pick up, she's surprisingly controlling.