To The World's Population of Dolphins:

Dear Dolphins,

It's really tough to tell you this. But I have to break up with you. It started off great. We used to swim together, and eat fish, and show our superiority to sharks by breaking their ribs with our large, powerful noses.

But...things have been getting weird. I just feel like, I don't know, like I'm no longer the leading human for you anymore. And I KNOW that you only started hanging out with me because you wanted to make that kid from "Free Willy" jealous. You never got over how he wound up with an orca whale when you were there desperately cackling for his attention. We both know this has been the elephant in the room. I was your second choice.

And it's hard spreading affection for you dolphins. There's over forty different different kinds of you. Am I really supposed to be able to devote love from Dolphin 1 to Dolphin 1,000 and then beyond? I don't care it it's racist, ALL DOLPHINS LOOK ALIKE.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it's over. Done. Finished. Don't call me. Don't "accidentally" bump into me at the aquariums. Let's not make this anymore messier than it already is. The fact is, I've moved on, and if I want my deep and powerful friendship with the world's population of gazelles to evolve, then I need to focus in on them.

So...you won't see me around for the next while, I'm going to the plains of Africa. Maybe in a few years, we can be friends. Til then dolphins, please keep being you. I'm sure there's another person out there with a love for you aquatic ballerinas.

Sincerely,

Will