Who Let the Dogs Out?

Baha Men, it was in front of you the entire time:

Joan Allen.

Sometimes it's hard being the only person smart enough to solve mysteries.

The Only Blog Poetry Endorsed by W.B. Yeats

A Haiku by Will:

A haiku by Will
It is almost over, one
more line left whoops ran...

Out, wait I can do
two haikus to cover my
tracks, you'll never know.

Shit, just realized
that I originally
said "a" haiku, fuck

Now you know that I
did not actually think
this out that I am

doing this all off
the top of my head and that
I am no poet.

To The World's Population of Dolphins:

Dear Dolphins,

It's really tough to tell you this. But I have to break up with you. It started off great. We used to swim together, and eat fish, and show our superiority to sharks by breaking their ribs with our large, powerful noses.

But...things have been getting weird. I just feel like, I don't know, like I'm no longer the leading human for you anymore. And I KNOW that you only started hanging out with me because you wanted to make that kid from "Free Willy" jealous. You never got over how he wound up with an orca whale when you were there desperately cackling for his attention. We both know this has been the elephant in the room. I was your second choice.

And it's hard spreading affection for you dolphins. There's over forty different different kinds of you. Am I really supposed to be able to devote love from Dolphin 1 to Dolphin 1,000 and then beyond? I don't care it it's racist, ALL DOLPHINS LOOK ALIKE.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it's over. Done. Finished. Don't call me. Don't "accidentally" bump into me at the aquariums. Let's not make this anymore messier than it already is. The fact is, I've moved on, and if I want my deep and powerful friendship with the world's population of gazelles to evolve, then I need to focus in on them.

So...you won't see me around for the next while, I'm going to the plains of Africa. Maybe in a few years, we can be friends. Til then dolphins, please keep being you. I'm sure there's another person out there with a love for you aquatic ballerinas.

Sincerely,

Will

Wal-Mart?

More like Wal-Fart.

A Classic Analysis

The big news today? The new Harry Potter cover art has come out. Now, it is true, there are sites that have slightly more credentials to discuss the new artwork and what it might potentially mean. However, we here at the Classic have something other sites/blogs don't have, a complete misunderstanding of the books. We can personally vouch that we have never read the books. Instead we'll be coming from the perspective of the .004% of the American population that is only familiar with the Harry Potter series from the movie trailers we saw before other Warner Brothers films. And now, a detailed and important analysis of the new cover:

The title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

What does it mean? Obviously, J.K. Rowling (pronounced Railin) has lost her touch when it comes to twists in her books. She has already let us know that the book is going to involve Harry. A small tip to Ms. Rowling- (we're just going to assume she's not married and is one of those "career type" women) Alfred Hitchcock wowed audiences when he killed Janet Leigh in the first part of Psycho. So, there you go...that point sounded better in our collective heads.

The color of the sky: Orangey-Yellowy-Reddish

What does it mean? Harry goes to Mars. Any film buff will recall the truth of Arnold Schwarzenegger's classic 1990 film Total Recall: the color of the sky on Mars is red. Obviously Harry is going to do something on Mars. It seems as Rowling (pronounced Row-line) was influenced by both Total Recall AND the other classic space adventure Mission to Mars. Because both have Mars in them. And Mars has red skies...alright, you know this sounded better to us at the Classic last night.

The structure in the background: some kind of arena

What does it mean? Umm, oh crap, well we had down last night...oh YES, here it is, Harry probably pitches a few games for the Kansas City Royals. Wait. That doesn't make any sense. Why did the other writers tell me that was a good point? They're fucking sheep. On to the next point.

Harry's wardrobe: a brown robe and a necklace.

What does it mean? Harry gets out of the shower of the lockerroom of the Kansas City Royals when he suddenly hears a loud noise on the field of Kauffman Stadium. All that's next to him is a tshirt and a bathrobe so he throws it on before running out to the field. The necklace is a gift from fan favorite and long time first baseman Mike Sweeney because Harry changed uniform numbers when he was traded to KC from the Seattle Mariners in acknowledgement of Sweeney's achievements and accomplishments. Anyway, umm, well we had a lot of evidence that this was hinted in the first and third books but now we can't find it. Shit, this is getting weaker and weaker.

Harry's expression/pose: Determination while reaching toward the sky.

What does it mean? The stuff we wrote down from last night is awful, I refuse to try to explain how this reminded us of a baby penguin.

Anyway, take this for what it's worth. For other thoughts on the new Harry Potter book, we recommend reading the Classic's sister site, jkrowling (pronounced row-ma-lom-a-ding-dong).com.

Time Out! The Classic helps out Alberto Gonzales

There have been recent allegations made against one of our blog's most successful alumni, United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (The Thrillsville Classic junior sports column editor 1987-1991). When even the White House and GOP congressmen and congresswomen are betraying Gonzales out of fear of public scrutiny, we here at the Classic have decided to come out in her defense, public be damned.

• Alberto has NEVER been a man nor will she ever have male organs, and any attacks on her physical features are purely made out of jealousy for her full and voluptuous figure.
• Alberto does NOT have tattoos of noted racist Louis Farrakhan on her inner thighs.
• Alberto has only ONCE pushed a disabled war veteran down the front stoop of her Washington D.C. apartment building, and not repeatedly as some have claimed. (Ville note- And if she has...who's to say that the vet didn't deserve it? We'll wager that the vet is pedophile or arsonist or something and had it coming)
• Alberto DOES got a Dalmatian and CAN still get high.
• Alberto has NEVER poisoned an entire shipment of Wishbone Creamy Lime Cilantro. That shit's already poison; 160 calories in single serving?? Fuckers are trying to take us out with promise of being taken away by the most delicious sounding words ever put together: creamy, lime, and cilantro.
• Alberto DOES like torture...OK well that was never being argued against, sorry.
• Alberto HATES the KKK, she only wore the white robes because she was being "ironic".

We hope that this clarifies a few things and will help Alberto through these dark times. Alberto, the Classic supports you.

Answering the ol' Mail Bag

Q: Where do you get the ideas for your blog?

Thrillsville: Mostly plagarism. You'd be suprised how many different things are out there on the internet ripe for the plucking. A lesson to all of our younger readers: why be original when there's other people out there willing to be that for you? Don't try so hard, nothing's more annoying than a person who's out to impress others with their "dedication".

Q: How many writers does your blog have on its staff?

Thrillsville: Currently we have a staff of 15, not including our editor-in-chief, Will. Our current roster of writers:

• Salman Rushdie
• Patricia Heaton
• Harriet Beacher Stowe
• President Jimmy Carter
• The Rock
• Hayley Duff
• Lionel Ritchie
• Tom Wilson
• Ann Curry
• President Oscar Jose Rafael Berger Perdomo
• Brett Butler
• Buddha
• Governor Jennifer Granholm
• Jo-Jo
• Socrates

We assembled the greatest minds money and sex could buy.

Q: Is the blog available in any other format?

Thrillsville: No, it's just a blog at the moment. We did turn down an offer from CNBC to become a news magazine show, however. It's just that we wanted a 20/20 feel to the show, and they were pushing Dateline's style with a 60 Minutes Edge. By a "20/20 feel" I mean we all wanted to be able to wear mustaches, Harriet being the most gung ho. We do love us some John Stossel.

Q: Do you have any merchandise we can buy?

Thrillsville: Of course! Just click here to go to our online store.

Q: What if God was one of us?

Thrillsville: Just a slob like one of us?

Q: Just a stranger on the bus...

Thrillsville: I guess he'd be trying to make his way home.

Q: I'm hungry, what should I do?

Thrillsville: Make a delicious stew, and send the leftovers to our home offices at:

Thrillsville Classic Inc.
310 First Street, SE
Washington D.C. 20003

That's all we can answer for now, keep sending those emails in!

Get to Know: Millard Fillmore

Facts you probably knew but should be reminded of:

1) He was the 13th President of the United States.

2) He was the last member of the now defunct Whig Party to hold office.

3) His background is Scottish/English.

4) He played the guitar like a motherfucking riot.

5) He had the courage to say he hated slavery while allowing it to continue: "God knows that I detest slavery, but it is an existing evil ... and we must endure it and give it such protection as is guaranteed by the Constitution." What conviction!

6) He's a member of the "Students Against Students Against Popped Collars" group on Facebook.

7) He was a founder of the University of Buffalo.

8) He travelled forward into time to the year 1990 and convinced the casting directors to cast Mayim Balik in the title role of "Blossom".

9) He wrote love poems to Zachary Taylor. This, and not his ability to capture votes in Nothern states is what got Taylor to name Fillmore his running mate for the White House in 1848. An example:

Dearest Zachary Taylor You're my favorite Male-er. You might be old, But if I could be so bold, I'd wrap my arms around you tight And tell your wife Peggy to go fly a kite.

10) He once swallowed 43 goldfish to get into his frat, Alpha Beta. The movie "Revenge of the Nerds" is actually a very smart parody of Fillmore's college days. He, much like the main bad guy, Stan Gable (played by famed feminist Ted McGinley) was made the fool when his girlfriend Betty slept with a total nerd.

11) He owes me five dollars. I don't care if it's only five dollars, I want it back.

12) He invented the ketchup packet, but hated the idea of mustard, mayonaise, and relish packets. And it's not because of the money he lost out on, it's the principle of the thing, dude.

13) He coined the phrase, "Just Fucking Deal with It", Thrillsville's anthem.

14) He only had 13 interesting things about him.

Be Successful at Work

Here's some tips from the people here at the Classic on how to rise that corporate ladder.

1) Don't put up pictures of family at your workstation. If you have pictures of friends or family then it indicates that your mind is not devoted to your work 24/7. The best thing to do is to put up pictures of your co-workers. Don't have any? Just search for them on MySpace or Facebook and print it out on some glossy photo paper. Brownie points if you photoshop yourself into the picture.

I know I wrote that I had "tips" which indicates that I'd have more than one, but I'm tired and fuck you for expecting more. I'm not your slave anymore, pharoh.