You Don't Have God's SN? How embarrassing.

My most recent AIM conversation with God:

Will: Hey, what's up.
RegisPhanInfinity: Hey, kind of busy.
Will: Oh really, what's going on?
RegisPhanInfinity: Creating a new kind of species.
Will: Really? Wait...to replace humans?
RegisPhanInfinity: No.
Will: Are you lying?
RegisPhanInfinity: No...
Will: Seriously, God, are you lying?
RegisPhanInfinity: Lol, no.
Will: God, you know I hate it when you say Lol. It's an annoying way to say you're laughing.
RegisPhanInfinity: Dude, you say "haha". How's that any different?
Will: Fuck if I know, it just seems less annoying.
RegisPhanInfinity: Don't curse when you're talking to me, it's juvenile.
RegisPhanInfinity: You there?
Will: Yeah, sorry, I was just taking a phone call.
RegisPhanInfinity: Will, I'm God, who's call is more important than our AIM conversation?
Will: I don't want to say.
RegisPhanInfinity: You know I can just find out.
Will: Please don't look, it's embarrassing.
RegisPhanInfinity: Just tell me.
Will: No.
RegisPhanInfinity: Fine...hold on...oh me, why are you talking to her still?
Will: I don't know...
RegisPhanInfinity: I gave you balls, son, so you could use them. Seriously, get a spine.
Will: She's changed, God, she's changed.
RegisPhanInfinity: No, she's lying to you.
Will: How do you know?
RegisPhanInfinity: ...
Will: Fuck, right, you're God, you know everything.
RegisPhanInfinity: STOP CURSING.
Will: Dude, you just made a door slam in my house, not cool, my dog woke up.
RegisPhanInfinity: That wasn't me. That was a ghost.
Will: Ghosts exist?
RegisPhanInfinity: Yep...
Will: Really?
RegisPhanInfinity: HA! You're so gullible.
Will: Sorry, I usually like to take the word of God without suspicion that it's fucking bullshit.
RegisPhanInfinity: Stop cursing!
Will: Fuck no!
RegisPhanInfinity: Fine....
Will: Alright, now I have a large handlebar mustache.
RegisPhanInfinity: It's what you get for being a dick.
Will: You just cursed.
RegisPhanInfinity: "Dick" isn't a curse word.
Will: The way you used it, it is.
RegisPhanInfinity: Whatev.
RegisPhanInfinity: You there?
RegisPhanInfinity: Hello?
Will: Yeah, sorry, bathroom break. I had some bad chicken for lunch, and it's making me shit a storm.
RegisPhanInfinity: TMI.
Will: What?
RegisPhanInfinity: Too Much Info...
Will: Sorry.
Will: Can I ask you a question?
RegisPhanInfinity: As long as it's not what's the meaning of life, because as I've told you, even I have no idea.
Will: No, it's not that, I was wondering, what's up with your sn?
RegisPhanInfinity: I love Regis.
Will: Til infinity?
RegisPhanInfinity: No, my opinion can change.
Will: Then what's the infinity part?
RegisPhanInfinity: That's the year I was born in.
RegisPhanInfinity: "RegisPhan" was taken.
Will: Know who?
RegisPhanInfinity: Regis himself.
Will: Wow, someone thinks highly of himself.
RegisPhanInfinity: Yeah, but that's part of the reason I love him so much.
Will: Gotcha.
Will: Ok, I have to go...
RegisPhanInfinity: Dude, ignore her call.
RegisPhanInfinity: Seriously.
Will: Maybe.
RegisPhanInfinity: Ok, so you're going to take it, you're "maybes" mean "I'm going to ignore your advice".
Will: Can't lie to you, I'm going to go, peace.
RegisPhanInfinity: Later, oh by the way, you're my favorite person in the world.
Will: Thanks.
RegisPhanInfinity: Don't tell anyone though, please don't put this on your blog.
Will: I won't.
Will is away at 11:28:53 PM.

How to be Popular

This is something I've written before, but it was never put anywhere. And fuck you for calling me out for recycling material in only my second post. Seriously, where do you get the nerve? Sorry, I forgot you were Mark Fucking Twain. Hey, how about this, turd eater, why don't you shut up and write your own blog?

Oh...


You do?

Hold on, I bet it's totally underwhelming...

Wow.

It's really good actually...

I like the structure.

And that picture of your cat wearing a devil costume is pretty hillarious.

I'm sorry, I take back what I said.

Anyway, here's my stuff:

How to Be Popular:
By Will

I’m probably the most popular person you will ever hear of. I know literally DOZENS of people, who all really like me, seriously. One question the youth of America, Canada, and some parts of Bulgaria generally like to ask me is “Will, how I can I achieve overwhelming popularity like you have?”

I’ve decided to divulge those details now to you, the unpopular public, which would be everybody but me and Oprah. If you follow these steps, you will be amazingly popular, and with that you will be able to get whatever you want, whether it is whole wheat rolls, or the complete Planet of Apes television series on DVD (yeah, it was a television show also, if you were popular, you’d know that). So, please, I beg you, follow these steps, and then I’ll allow you to hang out with me and the queen of day-time talk.

1. Always laugh at peoples’ jokes, even if you don’t get them, and even if they aren’t being told to you. One time I was at Yankee Candle buying myself a lilac-blossom scented pillar candle, and this 12 year old girl was telling a joke to her friend. I made sure to laugh really loud, and then I repeated the punch line. I could tell she appreciated it by how fast she walked out the store.
2. Always remind people how great you are. Another time I was at Yankee Candle, this time buying an apple martini cocktail candle. I heard this guy bragging to the cashier that he had just received a promotion at his job. So I butted in and started talking about how in the 7^th grade I got to shake hands with Hillary Clinton. I could tell how impressed they were by their stunned silence.
3. Always comparison shop. I almost bought myself some butter cream scented tea light candles at Yankee Candle for eight bucks. But then I went to Wicks ‘n’ Sticks and found apple strudel scented tea light candles for only 4 bucks! Hello, BARGAIN! Really popular people are also thrifty people. Another quick tip for the guys reading this, the ladies love guys who don’t spend a lot of money on gasoline, so think about getting your self some sweet roller blades instead of that gas guzzling Prius.
4. Always watch the television shows that get the highest ratings. Honestly, I’d rather watch The War at Home and American Dad (FOX!!! Woo!!), but it's on when that stupid Desperate Housewives is on, so I've missed half the season! But, nonetheless, I’m positive my ability to quote the latest episode of Desperate verbatim the next morning to everyone around me was appreciated.

So there you go, a fool-proof plan to being popular like me. Excuse me now, Oprah’s calling me, and she really hates it when I don’t pick up, she's surprisingly controlling.

I Am Accomplished For My Age

A Short List of Things I've Accomplished:

1) I was born. Some might say that is more of an accomplishment by the mother, but it was actually all me. On January 7th, 1985, whilst in the womb, I decided I felt like getting some fresh air and thus entered the world. My mother did not even have to push. I literally walked out. In fact, I was running by the age of 5 days. Had I not torn my ACL when I saved that family from the runaway cougar in Kalispell, Montana, I probably would have competed in the Olympics.

Kalispell, Montana:











An Artists' Rendition of the Cougar I defeated:








The Artist Who Drew That Sweet Cougar:












2) I created the solar-powered calculator. This is mostly impressive to mathematicians, accountants, and lion tamers. But it is true. One day I was messing around on the ol' abacus and when I checked the time on my killer digital watch it dawned on me: Math, which is already my favorite sport, would be even better if it was more accessible. I got to work on it, and within 6 weeks, I made the perfect calculator. At the time, my name was Will Texas, and that is why you all use Texas Instruments. Except for those damned Casio users. What the hell is their problem? Someone should inform them that lame people suck, and only lame people use Casios. As a side note, I changed my name from Will Texas to my current name because I am on the run from the Royal Canadian Infantry Corps. They hate it when you sell secrets for frequent flier miles.

The abacus I used to use:




The first image that comes up when you look for a medium-sized image of an abacus on Google Image Search:



The Kind of Person Who Would Use A Casio:




That's my short list. As time goes on, I might fill you in on other great things I've done. And those first two are not my greatest feats either. For instance, through guesstimation I successfully found the location of Noah's Arc. Its galley was surprisingly roomy.