Open Letter

Hi Person who stopped all of the sudden on the stairway in Amoeba Music,

How you doing? Everything good with the family? Good, good. How was Christmas, or is it Hanukkah? Christmas, yeah, ha I thought so, didn't want to assume though. It makes an...well you know the saying. Have good New Year's Eve plans? Oh, you're doing a thing on Hollywood and Highland. Cool. I did the last year, it was ok I guess. Wasn't my scene, really, but it was crowded so I wouldn't say it wasn't popular.

Anyway.

I wanted to talk to you about that time that you stopped all of the sudden on the stairway in Amoeba Records. Yeah, the one with all the posters. Yeah...the one that goes to the store's DVD section. Yeah, it has two flights, listen, the only staircase that's in the store.

The thing about that stairway is that gets A LOT of foot traffic...you know about that, you've been there plenty of times. So you know that there is always a constant stream of people walking. So you should also figure out sooner than later that there is a not a worse spot in the store to all of the sudden just stop walking. First of all, I had to do this weird jerking sudden halt. It made me look like a spazz . As a person who is a spaz, I try to carry myself with a certain kind of dignity, and you completely ruined the facade.

Secondly, all you did was kind of look dumbly at the posters and then kept going. What entranced you so much that you had to freeze in place to look at it? They're movie posters. You acted like a blind person whose eyesight had been restored and was experiencing the color blue for the first time.

I could understand if you were older and were just moving at a snail's pace, as some of our older brothers and sisters do from time to time. But you are a young guy, you can handle a couple flights of stairs.

Alright, that's all I really had to say. Enjoy your New Years. Oh and if you ever stop short in front of me again, I'm going to lose my shit.

Your Friend,

Will

Crazy Eyes

(link)


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...And We're Back!

Hello, hello my dear dear friends. Will here. I have finally returned from my sabbatical. I became completely exhausted from my 12 posts on this blog back in 2007, and thus my team of medical doctors, (headed by the capable if a little over-cautious Dr. Gail Rosseau) demanded that I take a 19 month break.

So what have I been doing the past few months? Here's a month by month timeline!

• May 07- Bed rest, eat lots of Progresso soup, re-read my entire collection of Judy Blume novels, which is unfortunately limited only to "Fudge" and "Superfudge".
• June 07- Visit the Thrillsville Classic staff. Tell them that despite me not being here, that they should carry on and make sure that the site gets updated regularly, ask that that they not let me down, because I really REALLY don't like being let down.
• July 07- Deal with feeling let down.
• August 07- Dr. Rosseau and I date.
• September 07- Things get weird with Dr. Rosseau, we stop dating.
• October 07- Decide that since "Porgy and Bess" there hasn't been a great American opera.
• November 07- Take up residence at Pier 6/7 in Sydney, Australia. Start to enjoy it until my new neighbor and long-time enemy, Nicole Kidman moves in. See her at the local grocery store, tell her that Naomi Watts has more charisma than her. Smirk as she tears up.
• December 07- Think about ways that Nicole Kidman bothers me on a personal level. Etch those thoughts on to small pieces of wood and them nail them Martin Luther style to her door. Stop when Keith Urban threatens to beat me up.
• January 08- Eat a lot of Chinese food. Decide that it will be the year of Chinese food.
• February 08- Continue eating Chinese food.
• March 08- Wonder why there aren't any holidays in March. Share these thoughts with my next door neighbors at Pier 6/7, they tell me there's St. Patrick's Day. Go to my public library with the intention of learning more about this guy, but as usual, get distracted looking at the naked pictures in the old National Geographics.
• April 08- Get in line for "The Dark Knight". Am told that it will not be out for a few more months. Go see "88 Minutes", the Al Pacino movie. Think it's fantastic. Rent "Two For The Money". Think it's fantastic. Rent "S1m0ne". Love it. Rent "The Godfather". Hate it. Rent "The Godfather 2". Hate it. Start to hate Al Pacino almost as much as I hate Nicole Kidman. Laugh at that notion. Flip off collage of Nicole Kidman I have up in my den.
• May 08- Ask Dr. Rosseau "what's up". Make small talk. She hangs up in the middle of me saying goodbye.
• June 08- Still eat Chinese food. Enjoy it even more.
• July 08- Scream at Nicole Kidman in the hallway. Smirk as she runs away.
• August 08- Find out that Naomi Watts is friends with Nicole Kidman when she confronts me and tells me to stop being a bully. Decide that Naomi Watts wasn't my favorite actor in "I Heart Huckabees", that Mark Whalberg now is.
• September 08- Still eat Chinese food. Think I'm getting tired of it, think some more, decide that I'm not.
• October 08- Dress up as Mark Whalberg's character in "I Heart Huckabees" for Halloween. Nobody at the Pier 6/7 party gets it, but Kidman does. See her texting all night, probably Naomi Watts.
• November 08- Decide that Keith Urban can do better.
• December 08- Celebrate when I find out that Nicole Kidman's moving out. Rise up in anger when I find out she's leaving her stupid yacht where I live. Alert the press (link).

...After I found out about her yacht, I decided to return to Washington D.C. and relaunch the Thrillsville Classic! This is not the first time I've made a decision based on marine vessels. One time I decided to spend an entire day watching television because of a boat that was going on a three hour tour.

Here's to a new year of blog posts!

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Baha Men, it was in front of you the entire time:

Joan Allen.

Sometimes it's hard being the only person smart enough to solve mysteries.

The Only Blog Poetry Endorsed by W.B. Yeats

A Haiku by Will:

A haiku by Will
It is almost over, one
more line left whoops ran...

Out, wait I can do
two haikus to cover my
tracks, you'll never know.

Shit, just realized
that I originally
said "a" haiku, fuck

Now you know that I
did not actually think
this out that I am

doing this all off
the top of my head and that
I am no poet.

To The World's Population of Dolphins:

Dear Dolphins,

It's really tough to tell you this. But I have to break up with you. It started off great. We used to swim together, and eat fish, and show our superiority to sharks by breaking their ribs with our large, powerful noses.

But...things have been getting weird. I just feel like, I don't know, like I'm no longer the leading human for you anymore. And I KNOW that you only started hanging out with me because you wanted to make that kid from "Free Willy" jealous. You never got over how he wound up with an orca whale when you were there desperately cackling for his attention. We both know this has been the elephant in the room. I was your second choice.

And it's hard spreading affection for you dolphins. There's over forty different different kinds of you. Am I really supposed to be able to devote love from Dolphin 1 to Dolphin 1,000 and then beyond? I don't care it it's racist, ALL DOLPHINS LOOK ALIKE.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it's over. Done. Finished. Don't call me. Don't "accidentally" bump into me at the aquariums. Let's not make this anymore messier than it already is. The fact is, I've moved on, and if I want my deep and powerful friendship with the world's population of gazelles to evolve, then I need to focus in on them.

So...you won't see me around for the next while, I'm going to the plains of Africa. Maybe in a few years, we can be friends. Til then dolphins, please keep being you. I'm sure there's another person out there with a love for you aquatic ballerinas.

Sincerely,

Will